Hogs Haven

Just about every NFL player past or present, media or non-media, has chimed in on how much Peyton Manning will fit in with <<enter your team name here>>. For the Redskins, that includes Mike and Mike, Mark Rypien, Torry Holt, Joe Theismann, Marshall Faulk, Joe Gibbs, Tim Hasselbeck, Steve Young, Charley Casserly, Vincent Gray, Dustin Diamond, Trent Dilfer...on and on. That's why I was quite shocked to hear that world-wide male modeling super star Derek Zoolander was open to talking about it. I happened to cross paths with the model at a Holiday Inn Express buffet we both happened to be patronizing. I don't have video yet, but here's the transcribe:

Me: Well, let's start with the report Manning has a "noodle" arm. Free agency starts in three weeks and he's not looking good.

DZ: I'm pretty sure there's a lot more to life than being really, really, ridiculously good looking. And I plan on finding out what that is.

Me: Well, it just came out Manning had a fourth neck operation...not just the three we all knew about.

DZ: Poor little baby...he has a little bobbly bubbly neck? So what? Let me know when he's trying to throw his footy balls with the black lung. (cough) (cough)

Me: What makes you think he's a good fit for Shanahan?

DZ: Have you seen the size of Manning's boobly, bignormous head? It's like if Sloth and Mugatu's sister had a peyote-fueled love child. The only color combination you can dress that baby in to move attention away from that boobly head is maroon and gold.

Me: Well, it's all for not. I spoke with doctors that have done this type of neck procedure. I can't see him playing again and I plan to write that.

DZ: Do you understand that the world does not revolve around you and your "do whatever it takes, ruin as many people's lives, so long as you can make a name for yourself as an investigatory journalist, no matter how many friends you lose or people you leave dead and bloodied along the way, just so long as you can make a name for yourself as an investigatory journalist, no matter how many friends you lose or people you leave dead and bloodied and dying along the way?"

Me: I think Peyton Manning could be a great model himself. He doesn't need football. I love those MasterCard commercials.

DZ: Peyton thinks that he's too cool for school...but I have a newsflash for you Walter Cronkite...he isn't.

Me: That one commercial--haha--"They're not saying BOOO...they're saying MOOOVERS! .. CUT THAT MEAT! CUT THAT MEAT!"

DZ: Seriously, do you like, service yourself ten times a day?

Me: (long pause) NOO! Does anyone even still care about Derek Zoolander? You have one look for Christ's Sake!! Blue Steel? Ferrari? Le Tigra?!! They're the same face! Doesn't any one notice this? You've been irrelevant for like 10 years. I feel like I'm taking crazy pills.

DZ: You is talking loco and I like it. What say we settle this on the runway?

(The Holiday Inn Express started blasting Frankie Goes to Hollywood "Relax, Don't Do It" and I blacked out).

Le fin.