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The Future of Professional Sports: UTB

Gladiators maim, injure, and kill. The crowd roars. That was the norm for Greco-Roman times. The human mind has an innate need for blood, for violence, for destruction.

The first step towards returning to that society, is happening now. Ultimate Tazer Ball.

The basic premise is there are two teams, each consisting of four players. There is one ball and two goals. The facets of every professional sport are there. There's just one catch, each player is armed with a taser.

Read on for my take on UTB....

Star-divide

I'm going to skip all of the clever innuendo's that could be thrown around like candy on halloween here...

In a nutshell, this is absolutely one of the stupidest things I have ever seen, yet easily one of the most entertaining. In the society we live in now, one can sue for their coffee being too hot. All because it didn't have a a clear disclaimer. Those same yahoos, the same selfish people suing for stupid reasons, will be the fans of this sport.

UTB is a cash cow. As I said before the jump, it feeds the human basic need for violence. People will flock from all corners to watch a bunch of... what's the politically correct term for 'idiots'?.... taze each other and lay in convulsion on the ground.

It's hard to imagine how this wasn't foreseen. This sport can easily be considered a slap in the face of professional athlete intelligence worldwide.

Let's try and establish the rules to this game:

1. Taze people

2. Run sooper fast so you don't get tazed

3. Taze people again

Looks like a good episode of cops, if you ask me.

I understand this has nothing to do with Redskins Football. But as a representative of fans of professional sports, I feel as if I need to address this.

It's a 100% entertainment goldmine, and I am 100% sure I would be entertained watching it... immensely. That's not my point. I can't, with a clear conscience, watch this. It's like my brain has reverted back to Neanderthal status.

Against my better judgement, here's the website.

I've said my opinion, what's yours?

Poll
Would you watch Ultimate Tazer Ball on a regular basis?
Yes
42 votes
No
40 votes
If they had a DC expansion team
42 votes

124 votes | Poll has closed

0 recs  |  15 comments

Comments

Oh man i just got this over twitter. MMA + football = http://m.youtube.com/#/watch?desktop_uri=%2Fwatch%3Fv%3D62dHRPtIdUg%26feature%3Dyoutu.be&feature=youtu.be&v=62dHRPtIdUg&gl=US

The link didn't work, but I got the Tweet

It has begun. Make sure your swordplay is up to date.

This mIght be the best sport in the world
Boring

Call me when they start getting in the arena with Lions. Or even Doberman’s.

I'd only watch that if they taped tasers to the lions legs and paws

In fact, I don’t know if I can watch a tv show or sports game without tasers again.

Society as a whole is doomed

DOOOOOOOOOOOMED!

This just might be the greatest thing of all time!
This reminds me of the sort of show people watched in the movie IDIOCRACY
Well, stupidity increases because stupid people repeat stupid stuff without bothering to find out facts.

From the wikipedia page.

On February 27, 1992, Stella Liebeck, a 79-year-old woman from Albuquerque, New Mexico, ordered a 49-cent cup of coffee from the drive-through window of a local McDonald’s restaurant located at 5001 Gibson Boulevard S.E. Liebeck was in the passenger’s seat of her grandsons Ford Probe, and her grandson Chris parked the car so that Liebeck could add cream and sugar to her coffee. Liebeck placed the coffee cup between her knees and pulled the far side of the lid toward her to remove it. In the process, she spilled the entire cup of coffee on her lap. Liebeck was wearing cotton sweatpants; they absorbed the coffee and held it against her skin, scalding her thighs, buttocks, and groin. Liebeck was taken to the hospital, where it was determined that she had suffered third-degree burns on six percent of her skin and lesser burns over sixteen percent. She remained in the hospital for eight days while she underwent skin grafting. During this period, Liebeck lost 20 pounds (9 kg, nearly 20% of her body weight), reducing her down to 83 pounds (38 kg). Two years of medical treatment followed.

Liebeck sought to settle with McDonald’s for $20,000 to cover her actual and anticipated expenses. Her past medical expenses were $10,500; her anticipated future medical expenses were approximately $2,500; and her loss of income was approximately $5,000 for a total of approximately $18,000. Instead, the company offered only $800. When McDonald’s refused to raise its offer, Liebeck retained Texas attorney Reed Morgan. Morgan filed suit in New Mexico District Court accusing McDonald’s of “gross negligence” for selling coffee that was “unreasonably dangerous” and “defectively manufactured”. McDonald’s refused Morgan’s offer to settle for $90,000. Morgan offered to settle for $300,000, and a mediator suggested $225,000 just before trial, but McDonald’s refused these final pre-trial attempts to settle.

The trial took place from August 8–17, 1994, before Judge Robert H. Scott. During the case, Liebeck’s attorneys discovered that McDonald’s required franchisees to serve coffee at 180–190 °F (82–88 °C). At that temperature, the coffee would cause a third-degree burn in two to seven seconds. Stella Liebeck’s attorney argued that coffee should never be served hotter than 140 °F (60 °C), and that a number of other establishments served coffee at a substantially lower temperature than McDonald’s. Liebeck’s lawyers presented the jury with evidence that 180 °F (82 °C) coffee like that McDonald’s served may produce third-degree burns (where skin grafting is necessary) in about 12 to 15 seconds. Lowering the temperature to 160 °F (71 °C) would increase the time for the coffee to produce such a burn to 20 seconds. (A British court later rejected this argument as scientifically false finding that 149 °F (65 °C) liquid could cause deep tissue damage in only two seconds.) Liebeck’s attorneys argued that these extra seconds could provide adequate time to remove the coffee from exposed skin, thereby preventing many burns. McDonald’s claimed that the reason for serving such hot coffee in its drive-through windows was that those who purchased the coffee typically were commuters who wanted to drive a distance with the coffee; the high initial temperature would keep the coffee hot during the trip. McDonalds research showed customers intend to consume the coffee while driving to their destination.

Other documents obtained from McDonald’s showed that from 1982 to 1992 the company had received more than 700 reports of people burned by McDonald’s coffee to varying degrees of severity, and had settled claims arising from scalding injuries for more than $500,000. McDonald’s quality control manager, Christopher Appleton, testified that this number of injuries was insufficient to cause the company to evaluate its practices. He argued that all foods hotter than 130 °F (54 °C) constituted a burn hazard, and that restaurants had more pressing dangers to warn about. The plaintiffs argued that Appleton conceded that McDonald’s coffee would burn the mouth and throat if consumed when served.

Hogshaven is a place where I find a lot of smart people

Let’s stop reducing the average IQ of this place by repeating the stupid canard about frivolous lawsuits by citing the one lawsuit that the plaintiff had every right to be sue.

Johnny Cash had a problem with the “right to be sue”

Eh. that didn't come out right. Meant to say even smart people repeat the stupid stuff stupid people repeat without bothering to find out the facts.
The documentary Hot Coffee was really good,

and eye opening about “frivolous” lawsuits.

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